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Program I. Teach Your Children Well: It's Every Parents Responsibility
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Hi I am Susan Turben and I grew up in this neighborhood. I went to school in this community and I had my first job here in this building. It was called then The School of Religious Impression and is now a child development center. The teaching here is spectacular it's spectacular because the school has high standards and in everyone of the communities around this country there are programs like this with high ethical standards. But this program is not about teachers teaching children but about parents teaching their own children. After all teaching children well is every parent's responsibility.
Dr. Turben's career as a parent educator and professor in of early childhood and special education leads her to reflect on the nature of families as we approach the 21 century she observes in her family practice that parents are understandably focused on activities of their daily lives and may not realize the importance of their responsibility to teach there values and use their natural talents to teach their children. It's not that family life is deteriorating it is that family life is more complicated by life and work options that even 5 years ago Dr. Turben invites families to give their best ideas so that other parents will realize that they are the first the best and the most important teachers of their children and must teach their children well.
Previously The Good Information Child Development video series has produced three programs infant activities, child care of the 80's, and raising children in the 90's. But this program ask parents to be teachers to work with teachers in the schools to teach values and culture and ethics, yes even academics, because children our at risk for harsh treatment today. All children need to feel secure and to trust in order to learn and we don't want violent defying children. Pick up any newspaper and you'll see that the incidents of child maltreatment is on the rise family life styles and family activities seem so complicated and stressed that adults don't know how to handle child behaviors. So in this video parents come together to share great ideas. Families who care and family professionals know you would use the good information provided here. If parents teach well, children will be treated well and 21st century families will be strong. Ask a hundred mothers and hundred fathers how they think they teach and you will get a hundred answers. It depends on who they think children are. Do you think children our miniature adults, possessions, prizes, helpless creatures or tyrants? Well none of the above children are competent and smart, ever moving and ever learning children incorporate the values and beliefs of their parents, so teach what you believe it's your responsibility to build a character and culture into the lives of your children.
"I think its important for a father and a mother always be there for the kids. I think that's the best way my father he has no problem with me because he was always with me."
"I do think parents are the most important teachers for their children they know there children better than anyone else. They instill in them what they feel is important and they know what there children need."
Why are there so many parents who seem to say oh well let the teacher teach that or let the school take that responsibility.
"Well I think many parents don't have faith in their own, whether it's values and their own beliefs whether it's their own just ability to take on that task in a small way."
"The hardest part to be a parent is to educate my child, because they a lot of things outside they see things on the street my kids sometimes come sometimes there's a lot of things you cannot explain to a child because its much out you not gonna come to a child and say things that you gonna damage they mind then they gonna do the things outside. You have to learn how to talk to your kids and for me it's hard sometimes because I got a type of child that who's mind is way over the top."
When you think about being a parent, and you are a very good one, what do you think is the easiest part of being a parent?
"Loving my children, affection, talking to them, playing right with them getting down and playing right with them."
"It is a parent's responsibility to educate their children from the time they come home from the hospital, etc. Now my son, none of my kids came with an instruction booklet. I have to figure out what it is they need. But I had never expected someone else to come in and tell me."
Mom's and Dad's have so much capacity to teach their children just by being themselves. Parent's need to know they can start right away to give them good examples to follow. Parents need good information about how children grow and develop because its and infancy that modeling and teaching needs to start. Give children prompt attention and plenty of playful physical activities.
Oh yes parents are teachers from the moment of their child's birth. Parents are qualified you may not have a certificate or a license but you were an infant once, a young child remember? And as products of your own infancy, you as parents can feel what to do. So go with that. It is important to know certain things though, about how infants behave. Infants need prompt attention, they can't wait. It's important that they get prompt attention when they cry because crying for the young infant is talking. Soothing an infants can be problematic for parents they aren't sure just how to make the crying behavior stop. One very effective way is to cross the infant's arms over the chest and let him or her sooth themselves in that way. Because after all in the first 3 months of life, infants do need to learn some self-regulation. Babies are born with 206 skeletal muscles and 300 billion brain cells so they have a lot of competency built right into them from the moment of birth. They develop from top to bottom head to toe. Their head comes into voluntary control first followed by the neck then the trunk of the body followed by the upper extremities and the lower extremities. Babies are truly amazing. Infants and toddlers are born ready to learn. I think I'll give this baby something to play with. Most often parents aren't experts at the ages and stages of child development. But child development is a fascinating field. There is only one good reason for me to give you a short course in early intimate development and that is so that as your children get older you will see the relationship to their health their general physical condition and their mental development in terms of the sensory information that infants need in order to learn. I'll start by giving you a picture of an infant and think as I am talking about the fact that babies and very young children do think. They think through their senses and remember that there physical development and there mental conditions are dependent on good exercise and good nutrition.
Let me start then by drawing an infant in the flux position, which means the legs are often bent, arms are down and up. Because this is the position of infancy, make sure they have hands and feet. But the most important thing I want you to think about is that they have a body and brain, and that infants think. They think through their sensory input, leading to sensory activity. On this side we have IN and this side we have OUT. The outside remember is the activity that the infant produces on his/her own. Infants do produce their own development. And on the inside remember that this is the area where we as parents need to provide a lot of stimulation and a lot of high energy involvement with our infants and toddlers and children. So let's just do this on the basis of the five senses. And first we'll talk about seeing, infants definitely need to be nurtured and stimulated by people who provide a lot of objects for baby to see, and if they do that the output is good visual attention. If the infant if provided with lots of stimulation on looking and hearing then the infant will in fact have a good deal of auditory, listening output. They will be able to turn to a sound and start to coo and babble, they try to develop their language skills at a very young age. Even three month olds coo and five-seven month olds babble their brains out. In addition to seeing and looking, auditory and visual stimulation, children need touching and cuddling, gentle holding and swaddling. They need all of those cuddling, tasting, sucking, feely things that allow children as they develop to not only communicate well but to also use their fine motor muscles. And so what's left, certainly their movements are left. The more infants move and the more their movements are developed according to a change of position. The more changes of positions they have the better they will have use of their gross motor skills or their large muscle skills. Now obviously these relate to flipping over, turning over, learning to crawl, learning to pull to standing, learning to walk, learning to run and later learning to ride a bicycle and all the other bilateral symmetrical movements that babies make. So you can see here, a very clear relationship between how babies think and with their eyes, their smell, they use sucking and swallowing and they use oral stimulation and input they receive with more output or activity they produce.
So especially early on pay attention to food and add a good balanced nutrition. Infants can't wait to learn from you so don't wait to teach them.
"Most important thing around here is feeding these two. And we have changed the way that we do things in order to make sure they have the time to get the nutrients they need and also the socialization they need." What do you think about the value of nutrition and where it is leading you. "Eating is very important in this household. I mean we don't do chocolate doughnuts and french fries and that sort of thing."
"The important thing about feeding and eating in our society is that so many of us go through the drive-thru and McDonald's and eat in the car. I think that sitting down at a table for a meal and eating with the family is very important. And at least for 2 meals a day and if you can do it for 3 then do it." A lot of our families have talked about that. "It is very important."
Dr Gallagher says that it is vital to eat with children but not in front of TV but in a place where family members can talk and interact socially. And she emphasizes lots of exercise and good nutrition.
"Everything is balanced, so there's always a vegetable at every meal, except for breakfast, I don't make her eat a salad at breakfast. We have a vegetable and a fruit as our dessert, so we don't have cookies or cakes or anything like that. So we always have fruit as our dessert at the end at some main meal we are cutting back on the meat and more on the grains and pasta and things like that. And we try to do that and mimic that at all the main meals."
"They have to eat what you cook, I mean don't be a short order cook. I had a mother for example a few weeks ago that says she won't eat anything except for Burger King. The father says I come home every night and there is a Burger King bag on the counter. I mean I am appalled. Why would you feed your child this? It is salt and cholesterol and triglericerones. It has absolutely no nutritional value, maybe some but not much. Don't get in the habit of feeding your children stuff that isn't good for them just because that is all they will eat. If they get hungry enough they'll eat. I have yet to meet a young child that will starve themselves. Have not meet one yet."
"I cook beans and carrots and she grow up eating all these foods. Everything that I put in front of her like spinach and string beans and most things that child not like I give to her. Here it is yours. We also eat it in the house and rice and beans and meat and she learn to eat and today she eat everything."
"My philosophy with these families is they have got to learn to eat your cooking someday and you might as well start as soon as you start feeding them."
Dr. Gallagher and Susan Turben agree that physical and emotional well-being starts with exposing children to a variety of activities early. There is mental disciples required in all these and many other activities. Parents need to know that children crave a variety of interesting things to do. That involves both the body and mind. It can be as time consuming as learning to play tennis or as simple as playing checkers.
I'd like you to meet Chris Zaldowski, he teaches tennis to very young children as well as older children. He and parents chare a great collaboration between the skills that children should learn from tennis and some of the fun and participation in it. I'd like him to talk a little bit about the benefits of learning to play tennis and other organized sports at younger and younger ages.
"One of the things we try to stress with younger children here are some of the things that will really benefit them. Whether it is in school or playing tennis or playing other organized sports. Which is self-motivation, discipline, control, motor skills all those things would be important. Whether they are playing tennis or other sports."
"I think group sports are good for some kids and bad for other kids. I think it depends on the child's personality. If you have a child that balks at doing a group sport. Can't stand baseball, forget about ice hockey. Don't push him. The kids, many times can tell. That doesn't mean that they can't run track or they can't play tennis or gymnastics or ice skating activities that are not group oriented."
"One of the scenarios that I have witnessed first hand here is, we have children that have been dropped off at our camp here at late as 9-10 years old and have just participated in baseball, basketball and other particular sports but have never played tennis. But the visual coordination or the visual attention they have achieved in those particular sports tends to translate to tennis beautifully. Sometimes parents are worried whether or not that their children are missing out on certain things if they are not playing all the sports and I don't think they are. As long as they are participating in particular activities or sports that demand their visual attention. Because visual attention can be applied to all the sports and can be applied in the classroom, it can be applied in anything they do later in life."
According to Dr. Gallagher, for teenagers it is not the sports that they play, it is the exercise you get that counts most.
"My advise to teenagers is, I like to see them sweat three times a week. That to me is exercise. I want you sweating three times a week."
Good physical and mental exercise, enable children to be active learners at early ages. Which in turn helps them to do academic types of learning later in childhood. Teaching children physical and intellectual activities is a parental responsibility critical to future intellectual development.
You have heard how important, and I am on this kick, that parents teach and coach their children to exercise and teach their children to eat. The reason is the developing academic skills that are associated with early education and childhood education like scribbling and drawing and writing and reading are most comfortably learned through play. And play must be physical as well as mental. Children need to be active. They need to play, play, play and in some cases play isn't that comfortable for parents to do, but it must be done amongst and with family members including parents. One way that parents can be very effective with their children is to pick up on the natural inclination that children have to organize their play around sets of materials or groups of objects. I'll show you a few that might be helpful to you in your own homes. Board games are a great way for parents and children to interact and to do something together in their free time. Board games can come with many pieces, letters and numbers. You can use cards, dice, scissors or manipulatives; you can even use maps or puzzle pieces. You can even make your own puzzles. Things that have to do with fine motor control and also things that have to do with the idea of having rules. Children like games with rules. Amazing as it may seem. Other themes that are very attractive to children are the idea of baby play, where the baby and the food might go together. The children and the parents could actually feed the baby. Another might be housekeeping or sets of materials like pots and pans and things that you have in your own kitchen that children can relate to with their dolls and their animals. Another theme might be tools and cars and they play that they are a repair shop or they play that they are repairing something with their father or they are going to work with their father perhaps in a factory. And they love to play with blocks and with books. In fact books and toys like dolls go together really well because children can pretend that they are reading to someone else. They might not even be able to read themselves, but they can pretend they are reading. And so the use of books and materials such as these are extremely important for the development of reading. And finally two of the most stimulating sets of materials relate to where they are pretending they are their parents. They do in fact want more than anything to imitate or act like their moms and their dads. So they love ball play, dress up play, good grooming, acting out the roles of their parents and other family members.
"One of the reasons this kind of creative play is so important is that it really allows them to listen and build up their imagination and allows them to be creative and imagine things that they do a lot of play with is in their house but they also do a ton of play with what they don't even know about. Things they hear about or things that they read about or seen somewhere else and then they work that into and it helps them to just expand their world by using their imagination and their creativity."
"One thing that my husband and I believe in strongly with our children is to play with them as a way to teach them so since they were babies we've been playing with them and now that they are six and four we are still playing with them and it is a wonderful way to teach them the academic skills about phonics or writing alphabet letters or playing with number or developmental skills as far as how to interact with other people, we use play as a way to do that so whether we are playing in the pool or playing chest or playing video games at the computer. We use that as a way to teach them because we are their first teachers."
"One of the things we are real adamant about is reading to the kids at night. Jacob has a little light about his bed that attaches on to the bed and he usually reads 2 or 3 books a night and we like to really read to them and I think not only as parents we are teachers to the kids, not that either of us are really genius' but we do both enjoy reading and we think that will open a lot of doors."
"I think the kids can learn a lot when they play with things like turn taking, even colors, real simple games. We've seen that even at school and we try to incorporate it at home too with little simple card games and identifying things and matching games."
"We start the day and end the day, pretty much the same. We end the day with a book, usually at night maybe after a bath or something where we all have quiet time and that's how we settle down and get ready to go to sleep. And in the morning a lot of times the children will come in with books in the morning. And if I am here and not away I will read to them in the morning prior to breakfast. And it's fun. Another thing that Jim has come up with is mystery trips and whether its on the weekends or on vacations or just on a day to day, it's like today we are going on a mystery trip and we don't tell them where we are going. And for example Jim took them on old train, a real old locomotive and we use it as a learning tool and actually try to experience those things. And we gave hints and had guessing and it turned out to be a wonderful day."
Parents have told me that because of their own background, they are not always aware of the importance of play. One father in particular said that as a child growing up, he played with his siblings but he didn't play games with his father, real learning games. But now that he understands the concepts, he uses play with his children to teach discipline or guidance or rules or just to have fun. But he does it at home so where he can be a primary role model for his children. One of my favorite play things is that of the office. Now it's just an old box with some folders and notebooks and measuring tape and discarded pamphlets and envelops and greeting cards that have been used and recycled paper and labels and stamps and just all of these kinds of materials that I like to use with a cash register. Now children might play like this is their mother's or father's office or they might play that it is a store at the mall. They might play and learn even math skills, or science skills or organizational skills that pretend they are running a construction office. Now all of these tricks, so to speak, these materials that we use are essentially early education, they are done at home which means that parents are seen as the most primary and important teachers. Let me introduce you to a prominent educator who will give you her view on how important it is for parents to be engaged in these kinds of activities with their children and the importance of the educational process and the future academic success of their children.
"We've learned in education that children are learning from their parents all the time. And children learn how to meet the world, how to interact with the world. They learn a lot by imitating the way their parents interact with their own surroundings. And we want parents to be involved with the intellectual life of their children, not just the skill life, not just the learning how to pound a nail, or cut something with scissors, or to write with a pencil. But learning how they think, how they create ideas and how they express their ideas."
"I like parents to tell me what they want for their children and should not be what we believe the parents need or want. And we take the surveys, which is a series of questions and we ask them in the survey what it is you like for your children. What it is you want as a parent and how best can we make you feel a part of the school?"
"Our agency has used a family approach for at least the last 10 years. It's really the only practical way to work with children and to work with family members. Parents, siblings, grandparents, those are the people who know the child best. And certainly our staff, our therapists, and our social workers have a lot of professional expertise. Just volumes and volumes of information. And our job is to meet the child, meet the parents and the family members and take our knowledge and apply it to the situation. So that the family can have all the information they need to make the best decisions for their children. They are the ones that have to live with those decisions. They are the ones that know what decisions and activities and values fit with their family."
"Parents and teachers together, I think, should come up with a plan on what direction they want. What the goal is."
Professionals stress how much teachers and administrators value their parents role in the education process. It is the job of the moms and dads to go into the school and look over the academic program. Parents should think about and tell teachers what they feel is best for their children. Parents should take the leadership role in their children's education. When working together parents and teachers make wonderful partners.
"Teachers and parents work hand in hand. I don't expect the teachers to teach my children morals. But I do expect them to teach them the academics that I cannot teach them and I think together we can build good members of community together. The teachers can't do it without the parents and the parents can't do it without the teachers. We need to do it together."
"We wholeheartedly approve of the teachers teaching the kids technology, all of the 3 R's, History, Geography all the basic categories like that. And we want them to challenge them, we try to push for that, definitely as far as they can take them. They will call us up and ask is it OK if we do this with the kids? It's like fine push them as far as you can unless you see it having an ill effect on them."
"Parents of children with disabilities are no different. They want advice from experts and they need professionals in their life. We've been real fortunate in that have had a teacher that never hesitate to pick up the phone at the end of the school day and said this happened today if it happens tomorrow can I do this? Or what do you think? Or at the same time she would call and say Adam had a particularly well day. And she would say "you'll never guess what Adam did today." And I would say you are really pumped up about this you are calling me at home. And she said "I am I am" and fifteen minutes later she was still going on about it."
"I told the teachers I want you to push the academics. It is going to be at a slower rate and I realize that but I don't want her learning just little functional things in life. I am not so worried about her putting on her socks perfectly or buttoning perfectly. I know that is all going to come in time. I want them to work on academics and knowing her letters and learning how to write her name better and learning some words."
"Every family is different, I want my child to be able to grow up and live in my family. And with that you need to have the parents input. You have the focus of that family. Families need to sit down and think so many times we are just so busy that we live day to day and maybe we plan ahead for a vacation or something but people spend more time about what they are going to do on vacation then they think about what their child need for their education. They need to be in charge of what is going to happen to their child and pay attention to it every year and not just when the report cards come home."
Even when parents and teachers work closely as a team and even when schools are attractive and have interesting books and materials there is another element to education that matters to both teachers and parents. It is the effect of the setting on child behavior. Spaces are created they don't just happen. Because different areas have different purposes all to promote good behavior so children can learn. There needs to be small spaces, that encourage privacy airy plant filled outdoorsy places like this and larger spaces that encourage socialization and cooperation and release from tension. Playgrounds and activity rooms are good examples of these. Every classroom, every setting needs pathways even a root that children need to learn to travel from one activity to another. All these planned spaces signal children to behave in each setting, thus reducing the need for discipline and reducing interruptions in the learning process.
Moms and dads can learn a great deal from observing what an effective classroom looks like. Parents should think of their own home as classrooms for learning. So play on the floor with your children where they can move around freely and talk to each other. Use tables to play games and to do homework. This arrangements gives children time to work out their problems and if they can't cooperate ask them to ask you for help. Computers are good home teachers because they let children learn on their own, but they are still no substitute for teaching your children and taking the time to be with them.
These are some of the books I share with parents when they ask me to provide helpful hints and tips for them in working with common behavioral problems and discipline and dilemmas that they face everyday. And they are great books. This one is called "Know your child" by Chelsa Thomas. This one is called "The Competent Infant." This is "The art of feeding children well," and Practical tips for parents." And yes they can be most useful. I think that you will find the parents that have the most fun disciplining their children and working with their children in order to get cooperative, helpful behavior are those that seek out other parents, who seek out professional help if they need it and who seek out parenting classes. These are parents who really have an urge and a need to know more. And so often they ask me questions "My child won't let me talk on the phone he interrupts; and is so mean and nasty and I don't understand where he gets that behavior; my child won't go to bed, won't get up; my daughter just tells me no when I ask her to help me." There are a lot of issues around these kinds of questions but when you ask me how to solve them I would have to point to the fact that this might not just be behavior. Part of it is temperament and personality certainly the actions that children perform such as trying to get attention and willfulness. Those are common behavioral approaches. However, personality and temperament matter a lot when it comes to understanding their child. So I urge parents, even the parents you will see talking about some helpful hints that they use, I urge parents to understand temperament and personality and try to match their own with their child's. And listen now to these moms and dads as they share how they teach their children at home.
How do you teach your children? I mean the subtle the little things. "Well I think the main thing is for them is modeling. What they see is what they are going to learn and if they see inappropriate things from their parents then don't be surprised, they are going to do inappropriate things. If they see appropriate and wonderful things that their parents do then you are going to see it, it may take a while but you are going to see it one day you are going to say HA! it's working, it's getting through."
Given the example of a child that came to you, through you or whatever, any kid of a child, something that you feel you are very best at teaching him, are you religious or are you worried about their moral values or what do you think is most important to teach the kids?
"The most important thing you can teach a child is take advantage of the opportunities that are available to them and thereby become independent and responsible for themselves. You do this by example."
"Alls I've done with these guys is give them the rules to live by and what I expect and with my one daughter, when she deliberately did something I didn't want her to do, she knew about it and she is still paying the consequences and she has to build the trust back up now." How do you build into children's behavior a high level of trust? "One step at a time. I started by doing things and leaving them a little at a time and finding yes they handled it when I was gone for 5-10 minutes to the neighbors house until I can leave them at least the 2 older ones for most of the day and they know how to take care of themselves."
"I don't have a problem with my child because I care about who is your friend, is it a good friend? Sometimes I sit and explain why I think this playing is no good or that it is good, I try that one day had their friend show is good for you."
"I think one of things I want to teach my kids is to be happy. And one of the ways you learn to be happy is not just gathering the riches, but you find if you do some volunteer service or if you help someone out and you make them happy all of a sudden you are happy and I think that ultimately that's what you wish for your kids. And while we didn't sit down and say this is are the ways we are going to teach our kids, I think that is the way we are raised and the way we would naturally without explicitly putting down an order what you'd do."
"When Alexander upsets a glass of milk, drops silverware, it'd probably be easier, quicker for me to just clean it up and move on. Particularly when they can be tenacious and zesty and I love that zest for life but sometimes that isn't the easiest path and I know that by asking him to pick up the fork and putting it in the sink and getting a new one may ensue a little tension or argument or whatever. So the easier way is to do it myself, what I try very hard to do is, we spill a cup of milk, we drop silverware we upset the plate and he has to take that on and I may assist and that if he is unwilling it may be some hand over hand to do the job." You mean he has to clean up his own messes? "Yes." And he has to take responsibility at a fairly young age (Alexander is 4) for is own behavior. "We try very hard. I also am very aware that if I'm having really rough day, and I am talking about my own personal day, I try to balance that, not that there is no exception nut I try to follow through that if I can't handle the argument without getting testy myself that I have know my limits on a particular day. And that doesn't mean we ignore that but sometimes I have to know my limits and how willing I am to push it and if I can tell if my level of voice is raising to much or whatever."
"I want my children to be helpful and cooperative as aspects of being kind. I try to catch them being good for example if they hold the door open for someone, I say thank you that was very kind of you to do that. If they help bring groceries in, I ay thank you that was very kind of you to do that, especially when they do it without being asked. I think as they grow older I think they will do that just automatically."
I meet with so many families today who feel stressed. Mothers and fathers can feel so much out of control they feel they have to do everything for their children because it's easier. Don't give into this temptation. My advice is do not do anything for a child that he/she can do for him/her self. Parenting styles vary but parents should try not to over protect their children. Children should be helpful and are willing to try activities that involve simple risk taking. Let them! Don't be afraid to let them experience new things. How will they ever learn to control their own behavior?
"One of the more difficult situations that we encounter isn't the child's fear it is the parent's fear. And they often put their fear into the child's. When the child comes out and they are real wide eyed and excited about the environment and the parent might look right at us and say "I know he'll never get on a horse because he'll be afraid." Well they are instantly putting the fear directly into the child before then even have a chance to approach the horse with someone who would be very competent in the environment such as the instructor who is specially trained to deal with it. So I think the parents often over protect their children especially in the new environment like this and they should encourage them to be as independent as possible."
"A parent may tend to be over protective in that they just try to do everything for their child and what happens is the child is not able to plan their own actions as they get older, and I tell parents that at conferences all the time. We need to let the child plan what they are going to do next and think about what the consequences will be."
Sometimes parents become the opposite of over protective. They feel helpless to try to change their children's inclinations to be in charge. Families have so little time to reflect to try to change this type of behavior.
"I know the way that Ryan is at night when I come to pick him up. He is usually playing on the computer over in the room next door and it is very hard to get him to leave the daycare. I bring a bag everyday with some extra things to snack on, on the way home and they always get into a battle. I pick Ryan up first and then go to Rachel's room and Ryan grabs her bag off the shelf and Rachel gets upset and throws herself on the floor and they fight over the last fruit chew or the one package of crackers and I was wondering what you suggestion might be to alleviate this problem?"
I think one of the things that happen in preschool is that they are ready for choices and they are ready to take control and they think they are in charge and what you need to do is think of yourself as more in charge and let Ryan wait.
What I did tell this mother is was that her life needs more structure. After all if you think about what a child does during the course of the day, being in as many as three settings: daycare, home care, picked up by one parent and dropped off by another. Children learn very early from that kind of a multiple setting life that they can get attention for bad behavior or for non compliance or just say no or being negative and they can pretty much do what they want when they want to do it. It seemed to me that they need, this family, to understand a little more about how to get their children more cooperative or more helpful. So I have some tips for them. We've already heard from some parents, about the tips that they use at home, but there are always a few more. Let me summarize this for you right now.
Children do need structure, they need a schedule a consistent schedule and they need some simple rules, for example, a household rule might be respect another person's property or it might be keep your hands to yourself. Those are simple clear rules. They also need boundaries and by that I mean, if they can handle responsibility they can be in an bigger environment and if they can't handle it, if they become upset or have a temper tantrum, or go to near the street then their boundaries have to be shrunk, they have to go into the house or into the area of the house where there is a smaller area. Boundaries are important and they also lead me to the next thing that children need to be heard. They need to have a conversation with someone about whether or not they can handle a certain situation. They also have to have a choice that they can live with. So I asked families to use a specific way of speaking. This would be a way of talking about choices: you may either pick up your toys by yourself or you may ask for help, and we can do it together. Or if you want to have a story when you go to bed, then you may get ready for bed for yourself or ask for help if you can't. This is not giving the child too much help, this is giving the child a choice that they can handle. Either do it by yourself or ask for help. Another rule that I think is important is the fact that experience, direct experiences when a variety of situations and settings like school, home and play and friends have to have consequences. At some point children need to know that if that can't comply with a request and if they can't do as they are asked to do then there will be consequences. But these consequences should be tied very directly to what the child values, what is important to the child. A consequence isn't punishment a consequence is something that happens that they don't want to happen, they don't get what they want. It is much more clear to a child and much more valuable. Children do need to know who is in charge. It is not alright for a five year old to be in charge of a household. It is not OK for very young children to feel they are responsible for what is happening. Someone needs to be in charge and children need to know that the person that is in charge is the person that they respect and follow. Children need pure positive praise. That means they need words that relate specifically to them. They don't need a generalizes "Good Job." They need "Mary you did a great job picking up now you can have a story." They need to have family meetings that they can talk and be listened to and be heard. They need some kind of guidance in the form of what I call a heart chart. I don't always like generalized graphs, which are stars and checks often seen for toileting training and eating and routine activities. I like the heat chart because it is more kind and user friendly. A heart chart can be a simple as one of these hearts just drawn out of paper that has on the left "What I'll do" and these are the things the children would be expected to do. Stay calm, be polite, do your homework right after school, pick up your toys before you go to bed. On the other side "What happens if they are successful in doing those things." And those are the items that are so important to pick.. You are allowed to watch TV for 30 minutes, you are allowed to watch a video, you can have free play with mom and day, play office, a board game, something you value. At the bottom, you have the consequences part and the consequences part where if you aren't able to do the things that you said you'd do then you don't get what you want or no TV today or you can wait till tomorrow and see if you can try again and see if you can earn back the privilege. It makes children understand what a privilege is. So use humor and use these tips everyday or at least some of them and you too can be practically perfect parent.
"When the parents are in love the parents kids get to get together to do things like cutting the grass, raking the leaves, and cooking stuff."
What kind of cooking do you do?
"I cook soup, ravioli and I do other things around the house."
"I am allowed to cross the street when my parents say it is OK. And I know the safety rules: stop look and listen. First you use your eyes and ears and then you use your feet."
"My mom and dad taught me how to help out with the chores and if the kids need help using the bathroom or changing the diapers."
"Clean the kitchen floor, do the dishes every other day, dry the dishes every other day. Take care of the dog. Clean the bathroom every other week."
Do you have any rules? "No fighting." How do you stop fighting? "Tell mom."
"If I didn't have good parents, I might be miserable, Laura would be miserable, my sister Amber would be miserable, the entire family would be miserable."
Most kids think their parents are perfect, well almost perfect. On the other hand they may not understand their parents are teachers as much as they think of their parents as imposing family rules. These rules make up the culture of the family and reveal how children are expected to be part of family life. Parents tell us they want their children to be contributing members of society and they are willing to be responsible for crating their children's values.
No longer should parents or any caring adults tolerate children's exposure to acts of violence, abusive behavior or cruelty. Children become absorbed even mesmerized by violent action and this is stimulating learning in the eyes of children. Look at these scenes of violent, chaotic, hurtful behavior. If it exists on the screen it exists in children's minds. They see it and they hear it and believe it. Is this how we want our children to become in 10 years? No way! Our sons and daughters, in the words of Robert Cold "Are on the lookout for moral, physiological and intellectual direction." So take a good look, is televised or tape violent behavior the role model you want for your children, or do you want to be their role model?
"I am not smoking, drinking, I will always be with them. I always tell them to do their homework, I always sit with them and help them and I like them to be good citizens."
"I don't want the school system to teach my children everything they need to know, that comes from home first and it carries over into the schools. If the lessons they learn at home are taught well enough then when they are in school it will be easier for teachers to teach them because they won't worry about teaching them the basics, things children should've learned at home. How to behave and how to respect teachers and how to respect elders and just how to be nice to people and how to be helpful to someone."
"We want them to be extremely moral! We want them to tell the truth, to face the consequences, if they have done something wrong to always admit to the fact that they did it wrong and understand why they did it and resolve it."
"What I have always felt is that you can't teach your children something if you are behaving in the same way. If you want your children to behave a certain way you have to behave the same way. If you want your children to be honest and you get too much change back at the grocery store, what kind of example are you giving your child? You have to be the ultimate role model."
Keep up with your families traditions and the traditions of your cultural group, create celebrations and events and expose kids to all types of traditions in your own neighborhood. This is how we can give children roots, and strength and tolerance, this is how we raise peacemakers, caring non violent moral adults, and ask for help. Don't do it alone. This is Susan Turben take care of yourself and take care of your children.
Thanks to all the families that told their stories and made this video program a resource for others who are looking for parenting skills or parenting tips or practical down to earth help in raising their children. No parent should feel that they should do the job of taking care of and rearing children alone. We are here to help. Good professional intervention is not only available but also effective. Parents have many options, community colleges, daycare centers and church affiliated child care programs can also provide program lists and guides of selecting child care and other concerns. Every community has high quality programs which can be found by contacting resource and referral hotlines listed under education and health and social services in the yellow pages. Other agencies such as United Way and Starting Point offer free referral services to parents. There are county run and early intervention collaborative groups, state run mental retardation and developmental disabilities centers and locally run boards of education. Coordinating county-wide activities in the public schools. Ask your local library for other videos and books on parenting and ask for the names for child development specialists. Or contact Susan Turben for more information via email, just write to .
Take care of yourselves, take care of your children.
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