Jennifer tells her story:

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I know you’re going to think that Michael’s problems are all my fault. You see, Michael is what they call a “crack baby.” I was using throughout the time I was pregnant with him. I even went into the hospital to get off the stuff, but as soon as I was out, Al and my friends showed up and I was using again. I can’t stay away from the stuff. It’s just about all I think about. Sometimes I forget to feed Michael or take him to the infant stimulation program because I’m so busy thinking about getting some crack.

Crack is the best high in the world. I never knew people could feel that great. Like, when I’m using I don’t worry about Michael or the future, I think I can handle anything, like nothing can hurt me. When I haven’t used for a while, I get so depressed. Like nothing interests me.

I just found out I’m pregnant again, so I’m not using. I don’t want to do this to another baby. I hope I stopped in time. I hope I can stay clean, at least until the baby’s born. At the hospital they told me Michael was born addicted. The doctor said I had to have used a few days before he was born. I said I hadn’t used in a while, but that’s a lie. I used the night before I went into labor. I think that’s why he came so early.

Michael was born addicted. He was so tiny and fragile looking with wires hooking him up to all this stuff. He had tremors like. He cried all the time and wouldn’t stop. He didn’t sleep good. His sleep is still strange. He won’t take naps and doesn’t sleep all night. He didn’t like to be held close or rocked. I left the hospital before he did, and I didn’t go back to see him until he was ready to be discharged. It was tough getting a ride into the city, but the truth is I didn’t want to see him like that. It bothered me so much. I know his problems are all my fault.

The hospital’s social services people came to see me, three of them, thinking that they would keep an eye on me. They made sure I go hooked -up with the hospital’s infant program and some nurse-type  and a mother came to the house to talk to me about how to take care of Michael. They are still coming! I wish I didn’t have to have these people in my house trying to help me, but I guess that ‘s what happens when you mess up your kid. At first I thought they would take Michael away, but these people seem to think that if I stick with the program, that won’t happen.

Michael’s real hard to take care of. He cries a lot, and his cry is still funny sounding. He doesn’t talk, he’s hard to feed, he won’t hold a spoon or drink from a cup, and he doesn’t walk yet. He’s still like a little baby. Sometimes I think he hates me. Every time I pick him up to love him, he fights and screams. I wonder if he knows what I did to him. I look at him and I just want to get high again so I can forget, but inside me, I have a tight feeling, a bond with him that feels good.

I got pregnant again after having Michael, because of Al. I love the jerk, and I show him this by having sex. Sex is very important to Al. If I didn’t do it with him all the time, then he’d leave.

I don’t know where I’d be without him. He helps buy me things for the baby and he pays some the bills when I run out of money. That ADC check doesn’t go too far and I always need money for stuff. People in the infant program say that I may be able to get other financial help, too.

Al’s pretty good with Michael. He doesn’t yell at him or hit him or anything. Sometimes he gets rough with me though, but like, what should I expect? Michael is Al’s son, but Al doesn’t live with us. He said he would pay child support, if he could find a steady job that pays good, but Al changes jobs all the time. So I’m on welfare. The good thing about it is that I get food stamps, WIC coupons and all the doctor bills are taken care of.

I know it cost a lot of money when Michael was born. Thank goodness welfare took care of those bills. Sometimes welfare helps me get a ride to the doctor for my check-ups when I can’t take the bus. Taking Michael on the bus with me is a real hassle, but I’m trying to do better, for the sake of the new baby.

Ask Dr. Susan